I want reservation too !

This post is in solidarity with the Jat reservation and any other reservation related agitation. 

The Jats need reservation – they have land, they don’t let girls be born, female infanticide is so high that the sex ratio is skewed, they have brought alive the ancient practice of polyandry that Draupadi was accused of, their panchayats give orders to do honour killing when boys and girls elope, and they have brute force – some of them use it to defend our country and some use it to defend their right to ask for reservation. Dear Prime Minister, please allow reservation for the Jats, their unique way of living is so regressive, that they need reservation for preservation. 

Now, I need reservation too. I am a TamBram, and our numbers are dwindling. Most of our community members are highly educated and have immigrated to the US or work at senior levels in many organizations, some work as priests who don’t let Christians, Muslims and Dalits to enter temples and provide outstanding darshan of the God or Goddess depending on the denomination of the donation. Many of our community eat meat, drink alcohol and don’t follow any of good practices that our forefathers followed. We really need reservation, because our numbers are dwindling and we need to preserve our unique identity as pseudo-Brahmins. 

I need reservation under several other categories – I love my country and don’t really care what your father’s religion is as long as you love this country. I also don’t care if you love idiots and don’t like the saffron color. I am in the minority, and people like me need reservation under “Desh Bhakt Minorities”. Please create a new category and provide us reservation under that. Please allow us to raise the Indian tricolour everywhere, allow us to serve in the military compulsorily, allow us to remember our freedom fighters, allow us to clean up the cities and villages, allow us to become faculty and teachers at prestigious universities like JNU. We need reservation because our numbers are also dwindling. 

I need reservation  under another category – “Merit Based Success”. There are many people like me who have made a success out of their lives by focusing on their merit and working really hard. Our fathers just had enough to put us in Kendriya Vidyalayas or other government schools where the fees was low enough to not strain their pockets. We were taught by teachers who loved to teach and who gave us tight slaps if we strayed and were super proud of our achievements as though they got those marks. We didn’t have our parents “dropping” us in school and our fathers probably never knew which class we were in because they were working hard to put rice or roti on the table. What we have achieved in life is purely because of our hard work without any favours or quotas. We really need reservation because our kind is dwindling and many like us in today’s India are committing suicide because their hard work doesn’t have reservation. 

Some of my fellow countrymen and women need reservation under this new category – “Armchair Intelligentsia HMVs”. Dear Prime Minister, I really want to appeal to you to create this category and provide them reservation. Because of you, they lost their free bungalows, their free trips abroad, their free undeserved-sometimes awards, their secular sensibilities have been offended beyond measure, their hopes for the Nobel Peace prize dashed, their conversion targets have not been reached, their assets are frozen as they have been asked to return th mammoth loans that their dear banking friends extended to them, some of them got a promotion for their good deeds like sexual harassment, but have been forced to go on leave, some escaped the jail and now are again appearing in the court, India is growing faster than they thought it could, the promised riots aren’t happening, our neighbours are suddenly friendly, and you, Mr. Modi, don’t take time off !! You just work and keep a hawk’s eye on India’s progress, and have a very thick skin plus the body armour, so none of the jibes touch you. Oh, please provide reservation to this bunch of Indians before every other community. I really feel for them. 

The last two categories that you have to provide reservation for are very critical – “Men and women in uniform” and “Men and women producing food”. The first category dies for this country ensuring the second category is able to feed those who are alive, without discriminating between the deserving and undeserving. Create a special category for these two kinds of citizens – they are a tiny population, but like the tiny Parsi community, they make India proud and our flag flies high because of them.

Mr. Modi, with all your connections with the world leaders, please ask for reservation in the UN and in world trade. Ensure substandard Indian stuff is imported by all countries and unskilled Indian workers get jobs everywhere. Also ensure those having the aptitude for being a plumber are made into computer engineers and get jobs to fix plumbing in laptops. Ensure that there are no seats in any college that are free, unreserved. Every seat in every college must be reserved for some community. Let no meritorious student ever get through – they disturb the level playing field and spoil India’s hard earned reputation of mediocrity. Whoever feels they are meritorious, let them go to some other country and use the facility of visa-on-arrival that you have helped bring about and figure some way of making a living. Ensure they repatriate large sums of money back to India so that we can live our mediocre lives well and also ensure we deposit large sums in the Swiss banks and airplanes filled with cash can land at the Vatican. Switzerland is a tiny country and Vatican even more tinier – we should help, Vasudaiva Kutumbakam indeed. 

While you provide reservation can you also implement the uniform civil code ? Since we are one country, we should have one law that we all can fight against. We don’t understand all the religions and anyway it will take a lifetime to understand all the scriptures – so please bring the uniform civil code. Our neighbours can help by offering citizenship to those who find the uniformity stifling. 

Ok Prime Minister Ji, I expect you to do all this in the next 32 hours since you work 16 hours a day, it’s just two full days of work for you. Just get it done. We Indians are intolerant and any slacking on your part will not be tolerated. We are tolerant only for the reserved class and you are progressive so get no reservation. Get going. 

Jai Hind. Jai Reservations. Looking forward to my new status as “DBM” or “MBS”. 

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