…. Willy Nilly as Krishnan would say. I can almost hear him laughing as he used the phrase “willy nilly”, for some reason it would always make him laugh. Krishnan also had a flair for drama and he continues the tradition.
Yesterday, exactly 250 days after Krishnan left his body, I received the Survivor Certificate. It’s strange that the “legal heir” document is now renamed as “Survivor certificate”. The whole universe seems to be having fun at my expense.
I thought I wouldn’t survive a single minute without Krishnan being there in this world. But here I am, breathing and living, 250 days later. Yeah, I died with him on Jan 23rd, because even as I work, eat and sleep, I cannot recognise this person. That Bindu is gone, this is someone else, who just looks like her, or maybe doesn’t look like her even. The void is just that … a void.
As I paid the courier, I quickly walked into our room and broke down. Amma was speaking to someone in the living room and I didnt want her to see me crying. I messaged Nachi and Rajesh – the two people who know exactly what this means. It’s official that Krishnan won’t be back in this lifetime ever.
Am I better at handling such triggers? Probably yes… I recovered quickly enough.
A few things have helped – Meditation and the knowledge that death doesn’t mean the person is gone… it just means they are vibrating at a frequency that one has to learn to tune into. I sense Krishnan’s presence a lot more, the small nudges, the sudden insights and hundreds of synchronicities. I know he is right next to me but sometimes, not being able to hold his hand, not being able to see him, not hearing him laugh just hurts.
Haven’t written a single blog since Aug 29th …. so wanted to break that trend with this post. Writing is cathartic for me and if it helps another person who is going through a similar life situation, it helps me heal a bit.
I came across the Instagram video posted below, that confirmed what I always believed … it’s the soul’s freedom to choose when to die. Obviously, it was a soul pact between Krishnan and I, and he simply honoured that pact by leaving suddenly on Jan 23rd. Leaving me must have been like climbing a mountain for him, but he did it, so I need to survive too and complete the lessons of this lifetime.
Do watch – https://www.instagram.com/reel/DdoXmmSDUR8/?stkn=b29kNTY1MHcweHJm
Message from the Master
Everyday after my morning meditation, I randomly turn the pages of a book written by my Master, Osho. He always sends me the message that I need for that day. On Aug 6, 2026 his message was the following –
Currently I am in agony because I am missing myself… the first lesson is to find myself !! That’s the reason and the journey.
Thank You Master.