I seem to be going backwards … hope I reach all the way back when I didnt have to find ways to numb my pain !! But I guess that’s not happening. So for the time being, am reviewing books backwards in terms of the sequence in which when I read them.
I had saved this book cover a year back and downloaded a sample, but didnt get around to reading it. Now that my life has ended it seemed appropriate to read what this book had to say about “death”.
The very first chapter starts with this statement – “… these welcome healthcare advances can only remediate us up to a point; beyond the point of saving us to live ‘well enough’ there is a point of futility.” And I was hooked. I have always wondered about research into prolonging life, preferably finding a way not to die. While on Jan 23rd I would have liked a magic potion that could have kept Krishnan in the physical plane longer …. but I knew/know that some day, he and I would have died. We didnt expect to live forever.
Am glad Kathryn Mannick wrote this book – we need to relearn the art of dying, surrounded by our loved ones and not surrounded by machines keeping us alive, just a little longer.
I found some beautiful statements and wanted to share them –
“.. There are only two days with fewer than twenty-four hours in each lifetime, sitting like bookends astride our lives: one is celebrated every year, yet it is the other that makes us see living as precious”.
The following case study reminded me of Krishnan’s passing …
“…Perhaps the cruellest circumstance, though, is when a sick person has been getting better and seems to be ‘out of danger’, only to be snatched by death in a completely unforeseen manner.” On Jan 22nd, Krishnan had two helpings of breakfast and a small tiny cup of ice cream. I messaged everyone who knew that he had undergone a bypass surgery that the worst is behind us because he is hungry and back to being energetic…. little did I know that in less than 36 hours, my world was going to crash around my ears. 🙁
I learnt something new – CBT First Aid. CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It basically helps you change thought patterns and behaviours that are unhelpful. Quoting from the book – “… the core principle is that we are made unhappy by the way we interpret events. Distressing emotions are triggered by disturbing underlying thoughts, and helping a patient to notice these thoughts and to consider whether or not they are accurate and helpful is key to enabling them to change.”
This book also hastened another important aspect of dying – writing of my will and my “living will” also known as “Advance Medical Directive”. It’s always helpful to leave clear instructions on what extent of medical intervention you would like to have. Between Krishnan and I, we had clearly spoken about it and had even earmarked money for it separately.
While this book is about dying and death, it’s not morbid and depressing. It’s just plain speaking and very matter of fact. A lot of suggestions are also given through real life case studies.
The last quote from the book is also very important for all of us to ponder over –
“It’s a truth rarely acknowledged that as we live longer thanks to modern medicine, it is our years of old age that are extended, not our years of youth and vigour. What are we doing to ourselves?”
Kathryn Mannix spent decades as a palliative care physician and her expertise is clearly visible throughout the book.
Do read the book. It’s an important book. Definitely read it if you are above 50 as it will help you make certain decisions about the rest of your life.
Death and Our (Bharatiya) way of Life
In our country, death is treated with some familiarity… also our traditional belief that the soul doesn’t die and its just the physical body that dies helps us deal with the passing away of loved ones. The four ashrams of life also provide a great framework to deal with life and death – Brahmacharya, Grihasta, Vaanaprastha and Sannyasa. Roughly divided into 25 years each, it’s a great way to progress through life.
Brahmacharya is the student phase where you learn life skills, get educated and get skilled. Grihasta is the stage where you get married, have children and form your own family. When your child becomes a Grihasta, the parents are expected to enter Vaanaprastha, which sometimes is wrongly interpreted as renunciation. It’s basically letting go of the reins (at work) and taking on an advisory role. Also starting your spiritual quest. Sannyasa is about finding Moksha.
Guess the four ashrams also need pondering over.
Also read – Have no regrets in the end …
🙏🙏