Divorce – Death of a Relationship

A week back I heard of a divorce, not formal, but a separation. This was happening after 30 years of marriage and a grandchild. They apparently drifted apart and fell in love with two other people. Then I heard of another divorce, and finally a third one in a span of a week. All of them appeared to be solid relationships over a long period of time ! So what went wrong ?

Love, Relationship and Marriage

For our parents’ generation divorce was a taboo topic. I still remember a young daughter of an army man being burnt alive in Delhi by her husband. Her parents were friends of my parents and I heard them lamenting that they didn’t let her divorce so that they don’t lose “face” and ended up losing her 😢.

Marriages were considered forever – with or without love. It was a relationship where the man was the bread winner and the woman was the home maker. The wife was almost always younger and her family would not allow her to come back home. So essentially, once married, you sank or swam all by yourself. Not a great situation.

Then girls started getting educated and realised that they had wings and they could fly too ! Financial independence was the best thing to happen to women. I still remember the first important conversation that my mother-in-law had with me. She told me never to stop working. She said financial independence for a woman was very important.

Yes, my mother-in-law was a very wise woman and really smart. She would have made a great lawyer if only she could have pursued her education. Probably the one regret that she carried with her as she transitioned into the other side of life.

The marriages that fell apart recently had different reasons. All the women involved are financially independent and didn’t depend on their spouses for anything except love and care. All the three marriages were “love” marriages, so the husband and wife couldn’t blame anybody but themselves. One of them broke up because of domestic violence, a topic that we don’t talk enough about. Am simply glad that this marriage ended because it was getting out of hand.

One of them broke up because both the partners had found other partners…….after 30 years ! While it is sad, its also the right thing to do. Rather than be miserable in a marriage where there is no love, its better to be with someone that you do love.

The third breakup was the saddest. The wife “found” out about the affair her husband was having for nearly the entire time that they were married :(. That’s cruel. Its a deep violation of the trust between two lovers. Why marry if you can’t even be friends ?

The Love Punch – movie about divorce

Krishnan and I watched a fun movie called “The Love Punch”. Emma Thompson and Pierce Brosnan are divorcees with two children. They lose all their pension and savings when Pierce Brosnan’s company is bought out by a corrupt French man. They try to get the money back and in the process meet the French man’s fiancee. Emma Thompson gives her some advise on marriage and the girl announces that she is divorcing the French man in the evening after marrying him in the morning. 😁

There is a nice statement by Emma Thompson where she says, its important to “like” your lover not just “love” him/her. Often, in marriages there is neither love nor like, its just two people shackled together on the basis of some long forgotten romance.

Osho on Love, Marriage and Divorce

The following excerpts are from the series of discourses titled The Discipline of Transcendence. These particular excerpts are from discourse #2, Vol 1.

“….How can marriage destroy love? Yes, it is destroyed in marriage, but it is destroyed by you, not by marriage.

It is destroyed by the partners. How can marriage destroy love? It is you who destroy it, because you don’t know what love is. You simply pretend to know, you simply hope that you know, you dream that you know, but you don’t know what love is. Love has to be learned; it is the greatest art there is.”

“…..As one learns swimming by swimming, by loving one loves.

And people are very miserly. They are waiting for some great beloved to happen, then they will love. They remain closed, they remain withdrawn. They just wait.”

“…Two people, separately unhappy, create more unhappiness for each other when they come together. That’s mathematical. You were unhappy, your wife was unhappy and you both are hoping that being together you both will become happy? This is… this is such ordinary arithmetic – like two plus two makes four.”

“…….My suggestion is that marriage should happen after the honeymoon, never before it. Only if everything goes right, only then marriage should happen.

Honeymoon after marriage is very dangerous. As far as I know, ninety-nine percent of marriages are finished by the time the honeymoon is finished. But then you are caught, then you have no way to escape. 😁😁

Then the whole society, the law, the court – everybody is against you if you leave the wife, or the wife leaves you. Then the whole morality, the religion, the priest, everybody is against you.

In fact society should create all barriers possible for marriage and no barrier for divorce. Society should not allow people to marry so easily. The court should create barriers – live with the woman for two years at least, then the court can allow you to get married.

Right now they are doing just the reverse. If you want to get married, nobody asks whether you are ready or whether it is just a whim, just because you like the nose of the woman. What foolishness! One cannot live by just a long nose. After two days the nose will be forgotten. Who looks at one’s own wife’s nose?”

“….Maturity means that one is no more a romantic fool. One understands life, one understands the responsibility of life, one understands the problems of being together with a person. One accepts all those difficulties and yet decides to live with the person.”

“…..When you have become alert to all of these problems and still you decide that it is worthwhile to risk and be with a person rather than to be alone, then get married. Then marriages will never kill love, because this love is realistic.”

“…And marriage itself never destroys anything. Marriage simply brings out whatsoever is hidden in you – it brings it out. If love is hidden behind you, inside you, marriage brings it out. If love was just a pretension, just a bait, then sooner or later it has to disappear. And then your reality, your ugly personality comes up. Marriage simply is an opportunity, so whatsoever you had to bring out will come out.”

The best definition of Love for the unenlightened !

“….Love is not a passion, love is not an emotion. Love is a very deep understanding that somebody somehow completes you. Somebody makes you a full circle. The presence of the other enhances your presence. Love gives freedom to be yourself; it is not possessiveness.

Be alert, and when you start feeling with someone that just the presence, the pure presence – nothing else, nothing else is needed; you don’t ask anything – just the presence, just that the other is, is enough to make you happy… something starts flowering within you, a thousand and one lotuses bloom… then you are in love, and then you can pass through all the difficulties that reality creates. Many anguishes, many anxieties – you will be able to pass all of them, and your love will be flowering more and more, because all those situations will become challenges. And your love, by overcoming them, will become more and more strong.”

Do read an earlier post of mine – Osho on Love and Marriage.

What can I say to these friends of mine that are going through a divorce or are divorced ? I guess they just need to get some clarity and become aware of what they really want out of a relationship. As we get older, its important to have a loving partner because we haven’t learnt how to be alone.

If your marriage feels boring and uninteresting, remember its also because of you. Talk, communicate with your spouse, share your feelings and see if things get better. Divorce is a solution but not the ONLY solution. In my opinion, the wife and children feel the brunt of a divorce. Not financially but emotionally.

I have seen mentally tough women losing self confidence and their self worth despite their husbands being in the wrong. Some cling to their children, some to their siblings or parents and some others just walk into another relationship. Every relationship takes something out of you. So invest carefully.

Just like the adverts for mutual funds say that you should invest after understanding the risks involved, marriages are also to be invested in after understanding the risks involved…. they are the biggest mutual fund that you invest in.

Love and Hugs to my dear friends who are in a spot of pain ….. remember, this too shall pass and better days are in store for you. Life is beautiful even when the clouds are dark and dreary. It only means a rainbow is around the corner.

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