From a true Modi Bhakt…

Modiji, this is your true Bhakt… with SMOG in the brain and lies on my lips and many taunts to go before I rest.

Dear Modiji,

I am your true bhakt. I wake up each morning and wish people as “Jai ModiJi”, right through the day I call you names and then before I sleep I review in my head about the number of things I blamed on you, and if the count is lower, I rectify it the next day. Modiji, Why don’t we have “acche din” ? Modiji, Why aren’t you doing anything about the dysfunctional toilet flush in my house? Modiji, why are you not stopping that policeman from taking bribes ? Modiji, why don’t you start eating beef and add to the global warming ? Why has your minister for energy and power, Mr. Piyush Goel made my country power surplus? Why aren’t there power outages in Gujarat? Modiji why aren’t you answering this question – why was power distribution in Delhi handed over to private players ?

I made a promise to bring 5000 CNG buses by MY Delhi Govt., now Modiji, you are somehow scuttling that program too !! No buses have been bought till date, and Modiji, you are responsible. I, THE CM of Delhi am a baby politician, so I cannot be held responsible for anything. Modiji, don’t you know that crops have been burnt in Punjab and Haryana, Diwali just went by and everyone was told not to burst crackers (many never even lit a lamp for fear of polluting the clean air of Delhi), the construction has to continue unabated, people need homes to live in, you knew all this and still why aren’t you fixing the pollution in Delhi? Me, THE One and Only CM of Delhi have a permanent cough because you haven’t fixed the pollution in Delhi ! I need to have my voice intact to scream and yell against you in the Punjab elections, so please fix the pollution in Delhi so I can go for my health retreat and resume yelling lies about MY achievements in Punjab. What? You haven’t taken a day off ? Its your fault, did those who voted for you ask you not to take a day off ? Modiji, why are you so serious about developing India? there has to be work-life imbalance, in favour of life.

Please answer as to why you implemented some form of OROP and disbursed 8000 crores while my Mummyji’s dynasty ensured it kept aside just 500 crores and never implemented it ? Why do you have this craze for transparency ? Why do you publish a report card? I, THE One and Only Delhi CM promised 70 things when I came to power, learn from me Modiji, I haven’t delivered on any and there is no report card!! What’s not in the public domain doesn’t hurt you. Please learn something. Don’t be crazy about accountability and transparency. Now see, I have these dear friends, who keep questioning you without looking at the data that you are putting out… that’s the trick. Keep a few close friends who support you through No lokpal and stodgy transactions, come Corruption or high whine. If they suspect anything and try to question you, drop them like I did. Kya Modiji, you have been a CM, don’t you know how to do this?

Why did you insist on every household having access to LPG? The chullahs are just fine. They have worked for 67 years and they can be blamed for the pollution as well, and we cannot do anything to them because the people using them are really poor. If we don’t have the poor to showcase to the western world, how can their large hearted, foreign-govt-run charities do charity and come into India to “alleviate” poverty without registering themselves under the law of the land ? Don’t question their credibility! How dare you do that Modiji? They have white skin and their forefathers were rulers of India. Please read your history. They have also helped the NGO run by me, THE Delhi CM and really how can I remain “aam aadmi” in these days of rising costs ? How can poor Manish go to Finland when he needs a dose of fresh air? So what if 1 crore plus Indians have willingly given up their LPG subsidy and millions have got LPG subsidy directly transferred to their accounts ? Modiji, you are missing the point. We like having the poor to feel sympathy for… you are trying to make them richer, then there will be no difference between us and them. We are a socialist welfare state, socialist to the elite few and those elite few are supposed to launch welfare schemes that dole out money that comes back through different channels and ends up in our overseas accounts. Don’t you remember the poor socialist farmer Sharad Pawar, who has done surgical strikes before you did and infact lost mobility in one part of his body because of someone doing a surgical strike on his Karma, and he did a single transaction of $70 billion in an overseas shell company while his brother farmers were committing suicide? Why aren’t you doing anything about these farmer suicides? My uncle Sharad has made his money, now he wants to help the poor farmers. He also called me up the other day to ask why you aren’t doing anything about the farmer suicides… please learn from your seniors, Modiji. They know how to rule, you please don’t bring your new fangled ideas of governance, we don’t like it.

Modiji, please say why you are supporting the Muslim weavers of Varanasi? Its just because you want to win elections, right ? But you are not a “secular” person. Why are you damaging the image we have created for you through careful distortion and paid media and after spending crores? We even had to influence uncle Chidu to do a surgical strike on certain papers to ensure we could blame you wrongly. How can the world not look at us as a communally disturbed country, who pay lip service to “secularism”? The problem is you don’t understand our style of secularism, its called “appeasement”. Never let the minorities feel they have every chance like the majority, don’t let them get educated and never talk of access to resources. We have our votebanks that have been cultivated with a lot of care and religious fervor. Don’t mess with those. And really who asked you to solve the long standing border dispute with Bangladesh? That was our route to bring in our votebanks. You are really naïve Modiji. I am annoyed with you.

I am also annoyed that you never gave me, THE One and Only Delhi CM to take part in the surgical strike on Pakistan. I could have told them about it and solved it without bloodshed. Poor brothers of mine… my great grandfather loved them despite their malice towards us. We would have even got a Nobel Peace prize for one of your predecessors by giving away a part of Siachen to Pakistan. You just decided to act tough, without knowing the deep ties we have with Pakistan, they are brothers. They should be allowed to earn in India, because they fund our Kashmiri separatists – don’t you get it, Modiji? They are spending so much money on the separatists, and you cut off their source of income? Separatists are called so, because they live separate from their children who are safely studying abroad, with our taxpayers money that uncle Chidu carefully brought into the coffers. That’s the reason they are separatists, and you cut off their allowances. How can they get treated free for all their ailments in a US hospital now ? You stopped their allowances and cut off their source of income from Pakistan.

Poor Pakistan, they also have to provide security to our dear Dawood bhai, an Indian by birth and a world citizen by his work.. where will they earn for all that ? And you got the international community to go against them, terrible! Now they have a funds crunch and you don’t even feel bad. Hmmm. Infact our actors and the film industry was upset with you for this. If we don’t allow their good looking young men and woman to act in our films, how can we send our dusky skinned actors and actresses to Hollywood ? Whats the connection? I don’t know Modiji, don’t tax my over heated brain. I cant answer all your questions. Pathankot was a mistake, Uri was a blunder and 26/11 will soon be forgotten. Anyway the Tata’s have a lot of money and that’s why they are now squabbling, just like my sweet brothers, Mukesh and Anil Bhai.

I have to tell you this, we have tried really hard to teach you our ways, Modiji. We raised the intolerance bogey, we raised the Dalit lie, we selectively chose our martyrs and we didn’t deliver on our election promises, but you just don’t get it, do you ??? Please fix the pollution in Delhi, please fix my stomach ache, please fix the vacuum between my kid brother Rahul’s ears with some grey matter, allow Mummyji to spend lavishly on a huge house because her grandfather-in-law is the sole reason why we got our independence and her mother-in-law died in the line of fire and her husband died defending our country, please clean the Ganga, Yamuna, and streets of Delhi, please allow my party AAP to win all the elections without any competition, please allow all foreign NGOs to use India for charity and stage protests and further their government’s cause, please don’t get too excited about startup India, we refuse to stand up and be counted, please tell us why you did not stop the SIMI terrorists from killing the police constable in M.P? It’s a BJP ruled state. Please also let the Karnataka govt ruin the beautiful city of Bangalore, why do you care? Please tie my shoe laces otherwise I will trip, don’t put out numbers transparently, its against our tradition to show flesh. Don’t do “mann ki baat”, every time you speak, my “mann ka darr” goes up and I am unable to keep up. Please allow jungle raj everywhere, that’s the way we can safeguard the environment, not through your solar schemes. With smog the Sun is unable to shine anyway. What, you were reading this letter all this while? Please get to work, who will clear this smog? I wont give up burning plastic and I wont clear the garbage, its your responsibility, did I ask you to launch Swachh Bharat? Now you take responsibility.

There is time Modiji, you are just half way through your term. Come to terms with us and we can all live happily ever after. Otherwise, I will blame you for everything and resist all attempts to make me accountable. I got elected through the democratic process as the Delhi CM, but I am an Indian and since you are the Prime Minister of this country, its all your fault. The elections were rigged to make me the CM so that you can blame me??? Hahahahahaha, I got one up on your game, I started blaming you before you could say anything to me. Btw, Modiji, why don’t you talk about me at all ? And will you pass on the party and the country to me after you, like MummyJi is doing for kiddo Rahul? Please Modiji, fail, so I can win. Please, bwahhhhh, see I am crying, please Modiji.”

With best regards

Your true Bhakt, the one and only CM of Delhi.

p.s …. I confirm that all of the above is a lie to the best of my knowledge and the smog in Delhi has caused me untold mental trauma.