Dear Appa,
For nearly a year and a half after you passed on I was so angry that I snapped at everything and everyone… I was angry about having to deal with Amma’s grief, I was angry about you not living on longer, I was angry that I couldn’t do anything to bring you back, I was angry that Krishnan got hurt, I was just angry for everything ! Much later I realised that anger for me was my way of dealing with your passing on. I was tested for the first time about my ability to deal with death calmly and rationally… I did that, but I also learnt that grief is expressed in many different ways and anger is one of them.
Today was your fourth anniversary according to the Tamil calendar and I celebrated it with anger 🙂 suddenly there were more calls than I could deal with, more emails than I could reply and some calls and replies awaited for too long, more “to do”s than I could deal with – just more inconveniences and they came faster than I could drive them away !!! And you know how Amma would choose just that moment to give me advise that again I would snap at :):):)
I did what you would, went out for a walk, got some fresh air and came back smiling. Didn’t do much damage.
I inherited the quick anger from you and mom’s impatience – a nice combination for Krishnan to deal with. He is doing very well, dealing with it by completely ignoring it and letting me come back to normal – just a variation on your style of locking me up in the bathroom and letting me cool down. He inherited that from his dad I guess.
I know you are excited about the road trip that will start on Friday and the destination, your favourite city Bangalore. We have no fear trying to do anything like this because we have two guardian angels watching over us – you and Krishnan’s dad.
Thanks for the way you both lived your lives, we never had to look beyond our home for our source of inspiration !!
Love you both and miss you both and everyday we celebrate your zest for life …. Strangely enough your death anniversaries usually come in the same Tamil month !! Lots of coincidences.
Bindu Krishnan